Pasaway…

Yesterday was my birthday (December 23). It was a happy yet the most miserable birthday I had so far. A very special birthday of my life I guess since a lot of things run through my mind.

Happy because the entire day, I had this special someone who gave me a definition of LOVE, indeed sacrifice. I quitted on my clan, on G4M, and stop entertaining flirt unknown texters at least on the level of not asking even who they are. We didn’t bother what time was it to stop cruisin’ because the hands of the clock ran smoothly.

Miserable because at the end of the day, he broke the news that we can never be together. I am not asking him to replace every sacrifice I did. Neither considering those sacrifices before he make his decision. But at least recognizing and acknowledging those efforts would help me understand that even those sacrifices would not reconcile the fact that he doesn’t love me. As Peter Parker once said and I agree, “Leave someone, you have that right. But the least you can do is tell them why. Because what’s even worse, what’s even more painful than being abandoned, is knowing that you’re not even worth an explanation.”I quitted on my clan though I gained a lot of friends. Even the G4M which is a safe place where I know I belong. Until the heartbreaking rush back on my mind of the two men who destroyed my concept of LOVE, HONESTY and FAITHFULNESS, a year ago after I met them. It’s not the news that hurts most. It’s the post trauma that follows it. It’s waking up and checking up your cell phone for the message that isn’t there. It’s like starting your life over again and you have no idea where to begin. If he only knew how painful it is just to be friends with him, parang break up everyday ang feeling.

I seldom ask wishes to God. I hope this point in time; he’ll give me the strength to overcome these challenges. A year from now, I’ll be graduating at the University of the Philippines. This is where I really enlightened of the concept of bisexuality.

Pero dumating ako sa punto na bigla akong nalito. I am 21 now. The time where I think I really have to decide where my path should go. What I need now are open minds, to accept me for who I really am. I know this would be hard. Marami sa mga makakabasa nito ang magsasabi na hindi ako normal at maaaring asarin pa ako. But I know that this is the world where I belong. Yung hindi ko kelangan magpretend sa harap ng marami. Kumikilos naman ako na hindi kabastos-bastos sa harap ng mga tao at alam kong yun naman ang gusto kong mangyari, kung sakaling aminin ko to sa lahat ng kaibigan at kakilala ko – oo, bi ako.

I experienced a lot in this path I chose. Katulad ng sinasabi ng mga “normal”, nasaktan na rin ako ng maraming beses. Umiyak ng ilang gabi. Nagmahal ng parang nasa alapaap. And I guess, pareho lang naman kung babae o lalaki ang mamahalin ko, kailangan ko lang alamin kung san ba talaga ako sasaya at alam kong hindi ko lolokohin ang sarili ko. Yung ex-girlfriend ko nga sobrang naintindihan ako at matapang kong inamin sa kanya. Ayun, sobrang close na namen ngayon.

Pero totoong natatakot ako ngayon. Ngayong dumating yung 21^st birthday ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung magkakapamilya pa ko sa gagawin kong to. But definitely, gusto kong magkaroon ng anak, pero sa piling isang katulad kong lalaki na magmamahal at tatanggap sken ng buo. Yung kaya akong ipaglaban at hindi ako ikakahiya. Syempre gagawin ko din yun in return. Parang yung nakita ko lang na couple na naglalaro sa magkatabing arcade ng Timezone. Siguro “hustler” na yung isa sa paglalaro nya ng Tekken Tag dahil sa hindi pa rin siya maitaob ng 10 nag-challenge s kanya, habang yung partner nya e nangangapa pa sa Tekken 5. Pinagmamasdan nya kung matatalo na yung partner nya, at nakikipagpalit siya ng game everytime na nasa peligro ng buhay ng partner nya kahit pa yung sarili niyang laro yung matalo.

Naiinggit ako sa ibang couple na kayang subuan yung partner nila habang kumakain sa isang restaurant kahit pareho silang lalaki. Yung pag alam nilang galit at nagtatampo ang isa’t isa, isang yakap at halik lang kahit nasa gitna ng mall, ayos lang, para lang gumaan ang pakiramdam ng isa’t isa at mawala na ang pagtatampo. Yung minsang mahuhuli ko ang sarili ko sa gitna ng gabi na hawak ang cellphone at nakangiti, cguro sa paghihintay ng iisang goodnight text. Yung simpleng dahilan ng pagngiti ko kahit nasa gitna ako ng daan at biglang papasok ka sa isip ko. Yung excitement na makauwi ng bahay after work para lang makita at makasabay ka kumaen, matulog ng magkayakap. Mga simpleng bagay na alam kong dun ako mas masaya.

Sana dumating na sa buhay ko yung magmamahal sa akin ng totoo. At kung dadating ka sa buhay ko, nawa’y ibalik mo ako sa landas na naligaw ako. Ipapangako ko sa’yo ang walang kundisyong pagmamahal…hanggang sa pagpawi ng mga pusong nasugatan at matagal na nahimlay sa kawalan.